It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything on the blog. It’s a clear reflection of how I experienced my 37th year and this new season of 38.

The past year felt like I was treading water with all my clothes on, neck and head above the water, while simultaneously blowing up my sons’ floatation devices to keep them afloat and unaffected by the surrounding water.

This metaphor doesn’t accurately depict the great partner I have or the support I have in the village around me and the boys, but it does accurately describe how hard I am on myself and just how challenging motherhood has been this past year.

The past year was one of survival, navigating a new season of motherhood with two small children; walking, talking, busy, energetic, strong-willed, opinionated, loving, and sleep-challenged boys. It was also the first full year away from my corporate role and navigating how to create purpose, rest, and self-care into stay-at-home motherhood.

I do not believe my situation is unique in any way. I believe there are a lot of moms that experience this type of survivalist mentality. It’s easier to share the joys of motherhood than it is to share how f*cking hard it is. In parenthood, joy and hardship coexist. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.

I am both grateful and terrified to be free of the stress of working-outside-the-home motherhood. I feel so lucky to be present in so much of my sons’ lives and I worry about what purpose I will have when they’re grown. I’m thankful my partner’s career allows our family to operate this way and I miss the independence and financial freedom of earning my own paycheck.

It was an adjustment, a transition into a new era. Priorities had to shift. I was writing less, going to bed earlier, and hardly exercising aside from walking and yoga. Rest, supporting my sons, and quiet time alone and with my partner needed to be the focus. I had to find peace knowing I wasn’t quitting on those other priorities, but I needed permission to pause. It was essential to my mental well-being.

I love having a January birthday. While so many others complain of the post-holiday blues or that January feels like an eternity, it is a gift to have my birthday coincide with the dawning of a new year. It’s an organic way to reflect and recharge on the direction for my year ahead.

What I want is so clear. I am proud of the changes I’ve already implemented, cementing last year’s transition into a now sturdy, comfortable reality. I joined an athletic club with childcare to make physical self-care easier. Exercise alone has made me a more patient, confident person and parent. I’ve blocked my calendar with time to write, read, and take classes to enrich my personal development journey. Small shifts with significant rewards.

I’ve had a few people ask about how I’m feeling about turning 38. I do feel the weight of the distance between 38 and 40, not for fear of getting older but for the fear of bringing unfavorable habits into another season of my life. I do not want to spend another decade of my life caring so much about what other people think. I’d like to stop people pleasing my way through social situations that keep others comfortable but deplete me. Learning how to quiet the stingy and anxious voice inside me that holds me back from living my most confident and authentic life. Can you relate?

I am both present with the work ahead and immensely grateful for this life I’ve created. I am healthy, madly in love with my partner, soaking up these precious years with our sons, and while life can be busy and overwhelming, it is so very joyful, too.